The Diary of Ashley V.

I'm still totally twitterpated. I'm sorry if I keep talking about this, but yeah...I love him so much. I know it's SUPER early to be saying this, but I can seriously see myself marrying him. So much to the point that I really hope it happens. EVENTUALLY. Not being a creeper...I don't mean anytime soon. But I really love him, and I think we're really good together. Until he finds out how crazy I am, anyway. Haha j/k...well, sort of kidding.

I really really love him though. I never ever ever felt this way about the ex. Not at all. But I don't want to get into that.

Repeated for the millionth time, I know...but I really love him. He makes me so happy.

And oh my God, he is the most amazing kisser.

But yeah. I'll stop gushing for now.

On a totally unrelated note, I fucking HATE it when people say (well, write) "R.I.P."...hate it.

Almost as much as I hate hearing people say "preggers". Nothing is quite as bad as that.

My nose ring fell out during the night!!! Ahhhhhhhh! It has already closed up a ton. I don't think it's even worth trying to pierce through it with a needle.

*sigh* Maybe I'll just have it repierced again sometime later. Third time's the charm, right? Haha.

It's lame though. I don't feel as cute without my nose pierced for some reason. Oh well.

On a happier note, my new boy comes back from Disney World tomorrow night! I'm not sure if I'll get to see him tomorrow or not, although I'd love to, but for sure on Monday!!!

Man, I really need to start updating this thing again, and signing in to read my friends' stuff. Things have just been hectic for a while.

So, I lost 20ish pounds! It was 25ish, but I think I have probably gained 3 to 5 back this week lol. I went down two pants sizes, lost 2 to 2.5 inches off my waist, and about 4 inches from around my hips/butt. So yes. I look much better now. I just want to lose another 12 or so (from the weight I was before this week, since I probably gained a bunch this week).

I have never lost weight this easily before! I started taking a new antidepressant (Effexor XR), and the weight practically fell off. I just didn't have as much of an appetite, so I didn't binge on a bunch of crap or anything like that. Then after I lost some weight, I started making more conscious decisions. Still eat crap, obviously, but you have to let yourself have stuff like that sometimes.

I dug up some old pants that I hadn't worn since probably early 2004 (because they didn't fit), and guess what? They fit!!! Two sizes smaller! I even bought a dress for the first time in like 5 years. I'm not really a dress person, and I have no idea where I'll wear it...but whatever. It's way cute! The top is black, and it cinches at the waist, and then from there the bottom/skirt part of it goes out a bit, so it's flattering for my pear shape lol. So yeah, the top is black, and the bottom is white with black polka dots! I want to wear it with my bright red heels and bright red lipstick. That would be hot. And then other times just with black heels.

K...that's all.

It is my least favorite holiday, by far. I think it's so stupid. I actually prefer not being in a relationship on Valentine's Day, because it's less of a hassle.

Such a stupid holiday.

FUCK.FLYING. Seriously.

Wanna know what's kind of funny? I'm such a major insomniac, yet I'm afraid of the dark lol.

I sleep with the lights off, but I have to turn the lights on in a room before I go in to it. And if it's a bathroom or something where you can see a mirror with the door open, I have to look away and turn the light on first lol. I am terrified of mirrors in dark rooms. I absolutely will not have a mirror in my bedroom.

For those of you that paid attention to what I wrote about doing my paper yesterday...

Do you think it's too late to e-mail my professor about it? I have to e-mail him to ask him something anyway, I think. But I don't know. It might seem bad that I e-mailed him after the fact, instead of beforehand.

Yes, I procrastinated way too long. I know that.

It took quite a few hours to search through stupid databases, because lots of the journal articles were irrelevant, and a lot of them didn't have full text available. It took quite a while to find my sources. I emailed myself the links so that I could print them downstairs, and I guess I copied and pasted the same link twice, and left out another one I needed. I closed that window on my computer, so it's gone now. I tried looking at my online History, but I would never be able to find it after all of the journals and shit I have gone through tonight.

I realized that we didn't have much printer paper, so my brother called his friend across the street and asked him to give me some. For some reason he left it between his screen door and front door rather than just giving it to me face to face. I opened the door to get the paper, and their dog started barking. That wouldn't be a problem, except it was late at night and they were all in bed.

I tried to print the articles, and they wouldn't print. My brother's computer is hooked up to the printer too, so I tried printing from his room. Still didn't work. The printer is on and everything. It seems normal, and I haven't received any error messages. Maybe my mom fucked it up when she changed the ink. Who knows. But anyway, not only can I not print the articles I need, but I wouldn't even be able to print my paper.

Because of all of this, it's 1:30AM and I have nothing.

I suppose I could try e-mailing my professor to ask if I could turn it in to his office on Friday because I have a funeral to go to tomorrow. That's not a full lie...I would like to go to my classmate's funeral tomorrow. But I'm weird and I get really bad anxiety about doing something as simple as e-mailing a professor.

It's only worth 5% of my grade, so I guess it's not really even THAT big of a deal.

Ugh. Fuck my life.

Sorry for posting two updates in a row.

I am SO exhausted. Like...I feel like I can barely function. I never get much sleep on school nights because I'm an insomniac, but I got hardly any sleep last night. I have fallen asleep before 3:00AM maybe 20 times since August. If that. For a long time I was oftentimes up until 5:00 or 6:00, sometimes later. Luckily it has been closer to 4:00 lately though.

But yeah, anyway, like I was saying...I never get much sleep on school nights because I'm an insomniac, but I can function on 3.5 to 4 hours of sleep. Sometimes even three. But last night I got about two hours of sleep, and it was extremely interrupted. I think the longest stretch of time I was actually asleep was probably about 45 to 50 minutes. For the other hour or so, I woke up a few times.

I procrastinated really bad and stayed up studying until 4:30. If I would have gone to sleep the second I was done I would have been able to get three hours of sleep. But no. I laid in bed with the lights off for TWO HOURS and couldn't fall asleep. My mind was racing too much. For the first hour, pretty much all I thought about was my classmate's car crash. I kept picturing it in my head, over and over and over again. Car crashes are one of my biggest fears, and I have obsessive thoughts about them, which I oftentimes follow with a ritual. If I don't do the ritual, I at least do it in my head. Yeah, I'm crazy, I know. This DEFINITELY does not help my OCD. The next hour my mind was just racing about everything. I looked at the clock quite a few times while I was just lying there, and I COULD NOT fall asleep.

I finally fell asleep around 6:30, and had my alarm set for 7:30, but for some reason I woke up at 7:20. I was like "Fuck my first class, I'm not going. I'm getting a little bit more sleep instead." Sooo...I went back to sleep pretty shortly after that and woke up a little before 9:15. All in all, I got less than two and a half hours of sleep. Probably about two hours and fifteen minutes or so.

I was sick literally all of last week, from last weekend until just this past Sunday, so I'm still kind of worn out from that, to make matters worse.

I feel SO exhausted and fatigued, and it's making me feel kind of sick. Like sort of nauseous. Work is going to be pure hell. Tuesdays are often late days, meaning I have to stay until 9:00 instead of 8:00. When I get there I'm going to say that I have to leave at 7:45 or 8:00 because my aunt is in town and we're having a family thing that starts at 7:00 and I don't want to miss all of it. Total lie, but I am NOT staying late tonight. FUCK.THAT. I wish I could call in sick, but I can't since I called in sick on Friday, when I actually was really sick. I am so miserable right now though. Ugh. :( And even when I only get a few hours of sleep, I still can't fall asleep until the middle of the night that night. One time I was up for 40 hours because I had to work on a stupid paper, and even after being up for that long I still didn't fall asleep until 5:00 in the morning.

Also, I have to write a paper that's due Thursday. I still have to do all the research and stuff. I haven't done ANYTHING for this paper yet. I'm going to have to pull late nights again tonight and definitely tomorrow, because tomorrow I have to wake up, go to my grandparents' house, and then sometime find the time before work to make a stupid Valentine's box, since we have to bring them by tomorrow. Then I have to work on my paper, and I'm assuming I'll do almost all of it tomorrow.

These are going to be an exhausting few days. I just want this week to be over. :\

Fuck my life.

A girl I went to high school with was killed in a car crash Sunday morning. I just didn't write about it until now for some reason. Well I did, but not here. It was in a notebook, haha.

Anyway...she was going west and ran a red light and was T-boned by a large pick-up truck going north, so the impact was on the driver's side. They believe she was probably killed on impact.

It's so sad and so scary. I definitely never want to run a red light again. Not that I make a habit of running red lights...I'm just not always careful about it, and it does happen on occasion.

She updated her Facebook status 15 to 20 minutes before she died. I'm assuming she updated it from her phone, since she was on her way back to Salt Lake from Provo. For you non-Utahns, Provo is about 30-some-odd miles from Salt Lake City. I wonder if she ran the red light because she was texting or messing with her phone or something. Nobody knows that, but it makes me realize that I really should stop texting while driving, unless I'm stopped at a red light.

I wasn't close to her, but she was such a sweet girl. I was SO sad when I heard about it, and I still am. I may or may not have cried a couple times.

I feel so bad for her family and friends. I know how hard it is to lose someone close to you, so I can totally empathize. My heart goes out to them.

It's crazy when people you went to school with start dying. That's four that I know of so far, and I graduated five years ago. Four people I went to school with, plus one girl I used to hang out with sometimes who was like two years older than me. So five deaths of peers or whatever you want to call them in five years. Not cool.

I meant to take a 10 to 15 minute break from reading. Instead, it has been about an hour, give or take. I didn't really look at the time. Fucking internet. *shakes head* Way too distracting.

I need a back transplant (yes, I am aware that those do not exist). Either that or some painkillers that actually work!!!

I have this really annoying pain in the upper right part of my back. Kind of in between my neck and shoulder blade. It's a burning pain. It feels really hot. It's also a stabbing/pinching pain, but the stabbing/pinching is localized. Something keeps popping, too. It's weird because it's not a cracking like when you crack your neck or back or something. It's a strange popping sensation. I don't know how to describe it. It's really annoying though, and it sucks!

I need some Lortab/Vicodin or Percocet or something. Advil doesn't cut it. Aleve doesn't cut it. Even the Darvocet I got from my brother doesn't cut it. But Darvocet is weak anyway.

Uggggghhhhhhhh. This has been going on for a couple weeks or so now, and it's really annoying!!!

Maybe it's a pinched nerve? Or a pinched nerve in combination with a really tight muscle? My muscles are always really tight though. I don't know what's causing it, but it should go away!!!

I miraculously lost 14 pounds. I knew I had lost a few pounds since my pants are looser, and one pair is too big, but I thought it was like...half of that. I hadn't weighed myself in I don't even know how long, but I'm 14 pounds lighter than I was the last time I did it. I think at least half of that has been within the past two weeks.

Crazy. Not complaining though.

I have felt faint, weak, and like total shit all day.

I had to come home sick from work because I felt really weak, faint, and totally out of it. I have a cold or the flu or something, but for some reason I am just so out of it today. I came home and tried lying in bed with all the lights off, no computer, and no TV. I thought maybe I could sleep it off, but after an hour and a half of just lying there doing nothing, I realized it wasn't going to happen.

Ugggghhhhh. This sucks.

Louis C.K. is going to be performing at a comedy club here on Thursday. I can't go because I have to work. Ugh. Lame. And as always, fuck my life. Hahaha.

But seriously.

So...I have these stupid, wall thumping "ghosts" in my bedroom walls. At least a few nights a week, it's like something inside the walls is thumping on it and playing rhythms, kind of like they were playing a bongo drum or something. But yeah, it's rhythmic but not repetitive...the beat changes.

Either I'm going totally bat shit crazy, or my walls are haunted. :|

I still think it sounds SO cool to hear "President Obama". It makes me happy. :)

Maybe I'm just a nerd.

Oh, duh. I never wrote anything about the inauguration.

I'll just keep it short. I'm really happy and proud, and excited about President Obama! And he's also a PILF.

I'm really anxious. Ugh. Xanax doesn't even do much for my anxiety a lot of the time anymore. Lame.